Not entirely sure how this works, but it says to ‘start a thread’ so here goes. Does anyone else live with dread? A constant, underlying sense of dread? In many ways I’m quite a cheerful person and I don’t constantly worry that the people I love are suddenly going to die or that the aeroplane is going to crash. (Or, to be more accurate, I do think those things are possible, but I accept their possibility in a way that seems reasonable.)
What I do mean is a constant underlying sense of doom, that I’m in trouble, that I am guilty, bad, that it’s all going to come crashing down. Possibly because I am in trouble, guilty, bad and emininently crashdownable - but - it feels permanent? Does anyone else have this? How did you learn to breathe, or should we learn together?
You are living somewhat in the public eye which is truly terrifying when you witness the way public figures are castigated for even the slightest foot 'put wrong'. Try to remember that you are a lovely mother, daughter, writer, all round 'trying to do your best person' in the face of world-wide grief that you cannot possibly solve. I'd suggest a newsbreak and social media break to recalibrate, as that has definitely made a difference to me at times.
Yes! I have it. I think my dread is a default mood from childhood because I often did something I didn’t know was wrong (e.g. scribbling in books, or walking mud into the house, saying the wrong thing) and got punished for it. So I’m expecting to be punished. I’ve learnt to watch that feeling rather than be it so have it under control most of the time but I have flare-ups like now because of the energy company massively over charging us which is giving me and my husband horrible feelings that we must have done something wrong, logically we haven’t yet the dreads are there. Yes Sophie, we should be together.
I used to. I blame school, someone always told me off, for things like 'talking' or having "an opinion". My rebellious streak tells this inner voice, which is actually just my old school teachers, to eff off now.
Yes definitely have had dread or its more well know sister … anxiety for a long time.
Have learnt to make peace with it. It definitely for me comes from a tense childhood. Thats going to get you everytime.
Also someone told me once it’s the flip side of being intelligent and sensitive so I hang on to that. Breathing exercises are good and a talented reflexologist really helps.
For me holistic therapy over the years rather than medication has helped.
Yep and it blows my mind when I speak to anybody who doesn’t feel the same.
Main things I’ve found to give myself peace from that train of thought are exercise and indulging in a taxing hobby (which for me is usually losing myself in a computer game)
Yes I feel this constantly and always have done. I’ve never understood why I can’t shake it. So now—after a lot of DBT (thank you NHS)—I am trying to use ‘radical acceptance’ to come to terms with the fact that this is how it is inside my mind. Along with some other DBT tools.
I used to wonder if it was because I’m autistic but I don’t think it is, based on the number of neurotypical people who also have these underlying thoughts and feelings.
Some days it’s much worse than others, but it never goes away. I’m very interested to hear what others do to ease the dread. I’m sorry that lots of other people also suffer with these feelings, but also I feel relieved that I’m not the only one.
I think so. Like you, not pessimistic or doom-laden, but a constant low-level hum of FUD – Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. In these times, it has been accentuated (fancy that). Maybe it is part of the human condition. Even in the 'modern world', lots of uncertainties (buses, illnesses, poorly built houses, building sites with scaffolding right over pavements – I may not be nervous but I have an imagination). Hunter-gatherer/woman-at-home-in-cave-w-offspring humans needed to be cautious because life was fragile and always in the balance and that stays deep within us, as part of the collective unconscious. Fascinating subject – thank you for broaching it, Sophie.
Constant. I always feel as though I am about to be massively told off (at best), bankrupt, etc. Good books, telly, exercise when not in the dread grip and I am sorry to say silly needlepoint from Emily Peacock help. And the dog!
Have you read Mattias Desmet's 'The Psychology of Totalitarianism'? This discusses in some detail a society's sense of free-floating anxiety and its consequences.
I like the thread of dread! I have dread. Two main kinds, I would say.
The first is very mundane. There are almost always two or three things at any one time that I haven't attended to and which might come and bite me (or more likely, present me with a £3000 bill). A crack in the wall that might be subsidence. A thing I should have done three years ago and yet didn't! I think a lot of these come down to finances tbh.
And the second is a horrible feeling that MAYBE I have let opportunities pass and the grave will come and I will not have expressed all the things I need to express! I think this comes down to failures to communicate.
Curiously however I don't feel the parenthood-type guilt that many women describe - most likely because there is not the pressure on men to be 'perfect' in that way? But perhaps my constant worries about the house falling down are the male version of that.
YES!! I mostly feel as though I’ve "used up" all the good luck and something terrible is surely about to happen. I spend too much time weighing up if that terrible thing will happen to me directly or to a loved one and I will suffer the fallout. Which is better? And my god please let my kids be ok and it not be them that has the terrible thing happen.
I try to balance it out by making as many good times happen as possible. Every day is a gift (or so I keep trying to convince myself!)
Oh. I typed a whole thing then tried to edit to add in an apostrophe and now the whole thing’s gone. Which just goes to show that everyone’s a bit shit and that’s ok.
I did feel that and I do sometimes feel that now but not the whole time. Usually before a big show/work thing. But when I felt it as more of a constant background was during a big life change (separation from a marriage and leaving my community and was basically sofa surfing for a year. Everything felt so temporary and that nothings guaranteed. Things being more settled now- I’m still aware of the impermanence of everything but I see that as a Good Thing and a reminder to really appreciate every little bit of ‘good times’ while they’re happening, partly being more sweet because of the knowledge that nothing’s forever. The same knowledge that freaked me out when everything was more stressful in my life. Hang tight- you’ve been moving a lot recently- which can be very… moving.
Wow, this is a good discussion point. Dread is a hard thing to live with but it has been a constant in my life. I very much relate to the dread. Have to work constantly at keeping it at bay with all the cliches - meditation, recovery, therapy. But still, it’s there. I recently confronted my dad about how mean he was to me as a child and adolescent and how little enthusiasm he ever showed for my endeavours. How he never said he loved me, and how he shamed me in front of others. He is accepting of his failures as a dad and he’s trying very hard to be different now. It’s never too late, and I’m very touched by his response: but my god it has been painful. I think that his behaviour towards me, and his own response to pain (he would turn his back on it, make lots of money and buy loads of things to avoid it) has had a lot to do with my dread in adulthood, or indeed, how when there is a problem I default to thinking that it’s me who has caused that problem. I do think I can pause a bit more in those moments of dread now though. Not jump to thinking everything is doomed, and doomed by me. It’s almost like I owe it to my children to be kinder to myself. I don’t want them to see a mother who constantly berates herself for not being good enough or being plain wrong. My youngest son struggles to tell me when he’s feeling dread, but he tries and that’s really something: I don’t think I ever had that clarity as a child, so I’m very proud of him.
It helps that I live with someone who puts his hand on my shoulder when I’m feeling dread and says “it’s going be ok my love”. And he says it like he means it. He is one of those rare humans who tends to avoid feelings of dread. He always finds the light, or at least knows how to turn towards it even when it can’t be easily accessed. Or perhaps he’s just a really good pretender.
Thank you for sharing this though Sophie. I enjoy your writing tremendously and am glad that you have opened up the discussion on this one.
Yep, I have a hum of low-level dread often (and a hum of anxiety in a lot of my dreams). I'm very interested in the discussion here of childhood memories of being told off, particularly for something we ourselves didn't experience as wrong/bad. I'm 99% certain now that I have ADD, and the more I read about it (espec Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate) the more I think back on a lifetime of being pulled up for things that I've historically found really challenging (time/money management, a mind that goes off on tangents like a broken shopping trolley etc). Being told off for something that wasn't really in our gift to get "right" is really tough, isn't it? Oh, and yes also to having dread triggers. My big trigger tends to be anxiety around money. It makes me feel like I'm being stalked by a big scary panther or somesuch, and can spark much wider dread about LIFE. As for breathing with it all, I heartily agree with what's been said here about recognising the dread/anxiety and accepting it in a very drama-free way. Just like, huh. My fave book on this is Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach -- some v v useful, simple practices around this. Also, cliche as it may sound, gratitude. As I get older, and life gets shorter, and so many things get harder, I am so aware of the absolute treasure I do have -- and I make this into a conscious act when I can, kind of like opening the floodgates and letting it wash over me.
OK, yes, I had this until literally about a week ago when I sat myself down and watched Mo Gawdat’s course on BBC Maestro. Literally life changing. I can now pretty much just switch off the dread when it pops up.
What I was GOING to say- was that yes- I have felt that feeling. Mostly following a marriage separation (and beforehand on the lead up to that too). I hadn’t accounted for the fact that leaving that relationship and moving out of our home was also moving away from the whole community - so I felt like someone with no reflection in the mirror. Kind of lost from myself. Also I was sofa surfing the whole year and felt kind of homeless (I let my ex stay in the house as it had been my decision to leave). And yes the sense of impermanence and the fragility of the familiar felt very disconcerting and I did feel a constant background dread. The difference now is that I’m a bit older, have realised that we’re all just muddling along trying to do the best we can. And also - that the impermanence is kind of beautiful and a reminder to notice and cherish all the little nice things. You’ve been moving home a lot recently which is hard enough when single let alone when you have a child- so hang in there- enjoy where you are and accept the odd bit of dread because it makes the good things really glow. Like yoooouuuu. X
I feel like this. Although I'm not really sure whether it's anxiety or dread.
For me it is partly due to menopause. I'm 54 and the dread began getting worse about 18 months ago, 6 months after I was officially menopaused. I would wake in the night feeling like my guts were literally being clutched by claws of doom, feeling dread about small mundane things. HRT has definitely helped this. I sleep better and now I only rarely get the Mother of Gloom Standing Over My Head (cf Martha Wainwright).
This next bit will sound strange... but I think some of my dread is down to the fact that I live in France - Disclaimer: I love France, been here nearly 30 years, married to a Frenchman, my kids are half French have many, many lovely French friends etc- however, even after all these years, and in spite of the fact that I speak the language really well, I dread having to talk to an unknown French person in a shop, on the phone, behind a desk, in a restaurant. I literally have to psych myself up to do it, because you never know if you are going to get someone who comes across as being cold or snooty or suspicious or defensive. And you have to be ready for it. Whenever I go back to my hometown of Manchester, the dread of dealing with strangers disappears and everything seems so effortless. I can wax lyrical about the loveliness of complete strangers who smile and call you luv and stop for a chat.
Things that have helped me:
Hatha yoga with lots of focus on breathin, physical exertion: going out for a run 2 or 3 times a week,/discovering I like fitness training with a coach/going to music concerts and jigging around in the mosh pit as though I were 19 again/hiking.
Reducing time on social media, taking a break from current affairs,
Also I now avoid drinking too much because the day after I was getting horrendous feelings of doom and paranoia.
Hearing Ade Edmundson on Desert Island Discs got me reading up on Stoicism, which I find helpful: I cannot control any external events or what people think about me, but I can control my own thoughts and actions.
Finally, I have always been a seize the day type of person who has a fear of planning ahead (possibly linked to losing my dad very suddenly when I was 30). However, at the beginning of this year I made a conscious effort to move away from this mindset. I planned a few nice things (trips, outings, reconnecting with long-lost friends), set myself objectives (a marathon). And I feel it helped keep the dread at bay.
I definitely used to feel like this when I had a job working for other people. Working for myself brings lots of different challenges but I see now that working for others just made me constantly worry and brought out an a rebellious questioner side to me. I would just avoid things until they inevitably became a problem. So that and a shedload of therapy helped ....
I most certainly do. I feel like every aspect of modern life on this planet has a more terrifying quality to it than ever before, aided and abetted by the hopelessness I feel about ever being able to change it - it's quite difficult to calm this ever-present background anxiety, which merrily thrums along throughout the day (and night). I'm definitely more on edge on a day-to-day basis during awful world events, and this trickles down into my body/brain's responses to events at the local level (I'm sure I'm not really as furious as I appear to be about eg flytipped mattresses at the end of the street). One thing I've found to be helpful is engaging in stupid mindless/mindful hobbies such as knitting, which I took up during lockdown - it really did calm my busy mind and I was able to make a hat for the baby. Obviously the "flow state" achieved during creative pursuits such as writing and music is a pretty stunning skill for quieting the storm. But taking a step back from social media has been the hugest help of all, significantly reducing the hopelessness I feel - the world news is terrible enough without having it remixed and repurposed into interminable Stories and takes by some geezer I had met once at a gig decades ago. How To Break Up With Your Phone, by Catherine Price was hugely beneficial in this regard, perhaps you know it already.
I've been thinking about this thread and I started wondering - is it worse as there is no sense of a safety net anymore? Growing up, whether misguided or not, I had the sense that it if I lost my job the State would have my back to some degree. Now it feels like one false move and you're out on the street.
I remember your grandfather saying he woke up each morning with a feeling of doom when he was a headmaster. As I did when a manager. Based on what kind of shit will they throw at me today and will it be my fault. Better now.
Yes, lifelong sense of dread and constant general feelings of guilt, definitely down to being raised in a Calvinistic society by a perfectionist, anxious, critical mother (she's visiting for Christmas now too, help!). I am going to try and quit the socials (again), take up exercise (again), and try to work on my inner voice. I think being gentle on yourself could help...who knows. If that doesn't help, at least I should feel physically better!
I do live with this, ever since I can remember. The hardest thing for me is getting out of bed in the morning. I am filled with fear. Even though I know it will usually get better after food and coffee I still spend a lot of time trying to figure out in my head how this person who is in bed can possibly go to being a person in the world among other people. Finally I have to pee badly enough that I do get up.
One of the best ways I can manage this is to say: "I'm going out to make some mistakes today. That's why we are all here. To make mistakes." That is so relieving to me. Or: "Failure is am option." That's a good one for me.
I envy your positivity. I tend to think that I'm really shit AND everyone I love is going to die horribly!
I jest (a little). I think this is us putting far too much pressure on ourselves and never feeling like we are enough.
Giving up booze has helped me with this, I found it (or rather, my behaviour when inebriated) affirmed my feelings of deep inner shitness and now they are a bit less.
Yes, I find it very hard to shake the dread these days, and strangely, recently I am also no longer sure if I have always felt like this or if it's more recent. Is it a post-pandemic/delayed grief thing, is it since I stopped drinking, is it because being a writer as social media dawned left me with this lingering fear of terrible exposure... or was it just always there? But yes, I have to remind myself constantly that nothing is, touch wood, for now, actually wrong, and stop myself turning even relaxing things into a source of tension. I am erring on the side of "I guess this is just what owning an adult brain is like", but I'm not convinced.
I do, I have always had a feeling that I'm going to 'do something wrong' and I often used to use the phrase "but is that allowed?" sort of jokingly, for the most trivial things - like I needed permission from ?god knows who? to buy a bar of chocolate, or whatever. I've stopped saying it because I came to understand that it was making my dread/fear/doubt worse, or at the very least this 'joke' wasn't helping.
I expect the foundations of this are in my childhood, I was a very shy, quiet child, I dreaded birthday parties but would be forced to go anyway to be polite (i.e. not do the wrong thing). The same for the annual kids Christmas party at the factory my Grandma worked in, which was absolute hell for me! Maybe that's why I kind of dread Christmas to this day and have boundaries in place around any kind of get together. I hope we would recognise an introvert now and not force any child into attending things that they find frightening.
I've found that CBT worked; I found a therapist on Better Help and I said to her at the start that I'd tried CBT before and it had been AWFUL (I left after 2 sessions), she took this on board and my experience this time was very different - she helped me observe my thoughts and watch my feelings via various exercises and this has helped enormously. I also find yoga helps, I notice - am noticing right now - that if I don't do any for a while the dread gets worse. So I'd better get the mat out.
To me knowing that I have limitations is very liberating. It frees me up from dread. I can only do small things and possibly do them all badly. And that is ok. Dread gone.
You are living somewhat in the public eye which is truly terrifying when you witness the way public figures are castigated for even the slightest foot 'put wrong'. Try to remember that you are a lovely mother, daughter, writer, all round 'trying to do your best person' in the face of world-wide grief that you cannot possibly solve. I'd suggest a newsbreak and social media break to recalibrate, as that has definitely made a difference to me at times.
Yes! I have it. I think my dread is a default mood from childhood because I often did something I didn’t know was wrong (e.g. scribbling in books, or walking mud into the house, saying the wrong thing) and got punished for it. So I’m expecting to be punished. I’ve learnt to watch that feeling rather than be it so have it under control most of the time but I have flare-ups like now because of the energy company massively over charging us which is giving me and my husband horrible feelings that we must have done something wrong, logically we haven’t yet the dreads are there. Yes Sophie, we should be together.
I used to. I blame school, someone always told me off, for things like 'talking' or having "an opinion". My rebellious streak tells this inner voice, which is actually just my old school teachers, to eff off now.
Yes definitely have had dread or its more well know sister … anxiety for a long time.
Have learnt to make peace with it. It definitely for me comes from a tense childhood. Thats going to get you everytime.
Also someone told me once it’s the flip side of being intelligent and sensitive so I hang on to that. Breathing exercises are good and a talented reflexologist really helps.
For me holistic therapy over the years rather than medication has helped.
Yep and it blows my mind when I speak to anybody who doesn’t feel the same.
Main things I’ve found to give myself peace from that train of thought are exercise and indulging in a taxing hobby (which for me is usually losing myself in a computer game)
Yes I feel this constantly and always have done. I’ve never understood why I can’t shake it. So now—after a lot of DBT (thank you NHS)—I am trying to use ‘radical acceptance’ to come to terms with the fact that this is how it is inside my mind. Along with some other DBT tools.
I used to wonder if it was because I’m autistic but I don’t think it is, based on the number of neurotypical people who also have these underlying thoughts and feelings.
Some days it’s much worse than others, but it never goes away. I’m very interested to hear what others do to ease the dread. I’m sorry that lots of other people also suffer with these feelings, but also I feel relieved that I’m not the only one.
Thank you for bringing this up.
I think so. Like you, not pessimistic or doom-laden, but a constant low-level hum of FUD – Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. In these times, it has been accentuated (fancy that). Maybe it is part of the human condition. Even in the 'modern world', lots of uncertainties (buses, illnesses, poorly built houses, building sites with scaffolding right over pavements – I may not be nervous but I have an imagination). Hunter-gatherer/woman-at-home-in-cave-w-offspring humans needed to be cautious because life was fragile and always in the balance and that stays deep within us, as part of the collective unconscious. Fascinating subject – thank you for broaching it, Sophie.
Constant. I always feel as though I am about to be massively told off (at best), bankrupt, etc. Good books, telly, exercise when not in the dread grip and I am sorry to say silly needlepoint from Emily Peacock help. And the dog!
I feel like I am in the waiting room, about to go to the dentist for a root canal..constantly.
Started HRT 3 months ago but STILL feel like this.
Have you read Mattias Desmet's 'The Psychology of Totalitarianism'? This discusses in some detail a society's sense of free-floating anxiety and its consequences.
I take sertraline for that
Yes constantly. I’m fairly certain this is just what it is to be alive, right? Impending doom. Existential dread. All day! Every day!
If this feeling of constant irrational dread is fairly recent ( as opposed to life long) May I
Mention the dreaded perimenopause? I spent a year like this... and then HRT sorted it! Xx
I like the thread of dread! I have dread. Two main kinds, I would say.
The first is very mundane. There are almost always two or three things at any one time that I haven't attended to and which might come and bite me (or more likely, present me with a £3000 bill). A crack in the wall that might be subsidence. A thing I should have done three years ago and yet didn't! I think a lot of these come down to finances tbh.
And the second is a horrible feeling that MAYBE I have let opportunities pass and the grave will come and I will not have expressed all the things I need to express! I think this comes down to failures to communicate.
Curiously however I don't feel the parenthood-type guilt that many women describe - most likely because there is not the pressure on men to be 'perfect' in that way? But perhaps my constant worries about the house falling down are the male version of that.
YES!! I mostly feel as though I’ve "used up" all the good luck and something terrible is surely about to happen. I spend too much time weighing up if that terrible thing will happen to me directly or to a loved one and I will suffer the fallout. Which is better? And my god please let my kids be ok and it not be them that has the terrible thing happen.
I try to balance it out by making as many good times happen as possible. Every day is a gift (or so I keep trying to convince myself!)
Oh. I typed a whole thing then tried to edit to add in an apostrophe and now the whole thing’s gone. Which just goes to show that everyone’s a bit shit and that’s ok.
I did feel that and I do sometimes feel that now but not the whole time. Usually before a big show/work thing. But when I felt it as more of a constant background was during a big life change (separation from a marriage and leaving my community and was basically sofa surfing for a year. Everything felt so temporary and that nothings guaranteed. Things being more settled now- I’m still aware of the impermanence of everything but I see that as a Good Thing and a reminder to really appreciate every little bit of ‘good times’ while they’re happening, partly being more sweet because of the knowledge that nothing’s forever. The same knowledge that freaked me out when everything was more stressful in my life. Hang tight- you’ve been moving a lot recently- which can be very… moving.
Yep
Wow, this is a good discussion point. Dread is a hard thing to live with but it has been a constant in my life. I very much relate to the dread. Have to work constantly at keeping it at bay with all the cliches - meditation, recovery, therapy. But still, it’s there. I recently confronted my dad about how mean he was to me as a child and adolescent and how little enthusiasm he ever showed for my endeavours. How he never said he loved me, and how he shamed me in front of others. He is accepting of his failures as a dad and he’s trying very hard to be different now. It’s never too late, and I’m very touched by his response: but my god it has been painful. I think that his behaviour towards me, and his own response to pain (he would turn his back on it, make lots of money and buy loads of things to avoid it) has had a lot to do with my dread in adulthood, or indeed, how when there is a problem I default to thinking that it’s me who has caused that problem. I do think I can pause a bit more in those moments of dread now though. Not jump to thinking everything is doomed, and doomed by me. It’s almost like I owe it to my children to be kinder to myself. I don’t want them to see a mother who constantly berates herself for not being good enough or being plain wrong. My youngest son struggles to tell me when he’s feeling dread, but he tries and that’s really something: I don’t think I ever had that clarity as a child, so I’m very proud of him.
It helps that I live with someone who puts his hand on my shoulder when I’m feeling dread and says “it’s going be ok my love”. And he says it like he means it. He is one of those rare humans who tends to avoid feelings of dread. He always finds the light, or at least knows how to turn towards it even when it can’t be easily accessed. Or perhaps he’s just a really good pretender.
Thank you for sharing this though Sophie. I enjoy your writing tremendously and am glad that you have opened up the discussion on this one.
Yep, I have a hum of low-level dread often (and a hum of anxiety in a lot of my dreams). I'm very interested in the discussion here of childhood memories of being told off, particularly for something we ourselves didn't experience as wrong/bad. I'm 99% certain now that I have ADD, and the more I read about it (espec Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate) the more I think back on a lifetime of being pulled up for things that I've historically found really challenging (time/money management, a mind that goes off on tangents like a broken shopping trolley etc). Being told off for something that wasn't really in our gift to get "right" is really tough, isn't it? Oh, and yes also to having dread triggers. My big trigger tends to be anxiety around money. It makes me feel like I'm being stalked by a big scary panther or somesuch, and can spark much wider dread about LIFE. As for breathing with it all, I heartily agree with what's been said here about recognising the dread/anxiety and accepting it in a very drama-free way. Just like, huh. My fave book on this is Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach -- some v v useful, simple practices around this. Also, cliche as it may sound, gratitude. As I get older, and life gets shorter, and so many things get harder, I am so aware of the absolute treasure I do have -- and I make this into a conscious act when I can, kind of like opening the floodgates and letting it wash over me.
OK, yes, I had this until literally about a week ago when I sat myself down and watched Mo Gawdat’s course on BBC Maestro. Literally life changing. I can now pretty much just switch off the dread when it pops up.
What I was GOING to say- was that yes- I have felt that feeling. Mostly following a marriage separation (and beforehand on the lead up to that too). I hadn’t accounted for the fact that leaving that relationship and moving out of our home was also moving away from the whole community - so I felt like someone with no reflection in the mirror. Kind of lost from myself. Also I was sofa surfing the whole year and felt kind of homeless (I let my ex stay in the house as it had been my decision to leave). And yes the sense of impermanence and the fragility of the familiar felt very disconcerting and I did feel a constant background dread. The difference now is that I’m a bit older, have realised that we’re all just muddling along trying to do the best we can. And also - that the impermanence is kind of beautiful and a reminder to notice and cherish all the little nice things. You’ve been moving home a lot recently which is hard enough when single let alone when you have a child- so hang in there- enjoy where you are and accept the odd bit of dread because it makes the good things really glow. Like yoooouuuu. X
I feel like this. Although I'm not really sure whether it's anxiety or dread.
For me it is partly due to menopause. I'm 54 and the dread began getting worse about 18 months ago, 6 months after I was officially menopaused. I would wake in the night feeling like my guts were literally being clutched by claws of doom, feeling dread about small mundane things. HRT has definitely helped this. I sleep better and now I only rarely get the Mother of Gloom Standing Over My Head (cf Martha Wainwright).
This next bit will sound strange... but I think some of my dread is down to the fact that I live in France - Disclaimer: I love France, been here nearly 30 years, married to a Frenchman, my kids are half French have many, many lovely French friends etc- however, even after all these years, and in spite of the fact that I speak the language really well, I dread having to talk to an unknown French person in a shop, on the phone, behind a desk, in a restaurant. I literally have to psych myself up to do it, because you never know if you are going to get someone who comes across as being cold or snooty or suspicious or defensive. And you have to be ready for it. Whenever I go back to my hometown of Manchester, the dread of dealing with strangers disappears and everything seems so effortless. I can wax lyrical about the loveliness of complete strangers who smile and call you luv and stop for a chat.
Things that have helped me:
Hatha yoga with lots of focus on breathin, physical exertion: going out for a run 2 or 3 times a week,/discovering I like fitness training with a coach/going to music concerts and jigging around in the mosh pit as though I were 19 again/hiking.
Reducing time on social media, taking a break from current affairs,
Also I now avoid drinking too much because the day after I was getting horrendous feelings of doom and paranoia.
Hearing Ade Edmundson on Desert Island Discs got me reading up on Stoicism, which I find helpful: I cannot control any external events or what people think about me, but I can control my own thoughts and actions.
Finally, I have always been a seize the day type of person who has a fear of planning ahead (possibly linked to losing my dad very suddenly when I was 30). However, at the beginning of this year I made a conscious effort to move away from this mindset. I planned a few nice things (trips, outings, reconnecting with long-lost friends), set myself objectives (a marathon). And I feel it helped keep the dread at bay.
I definitely used to feel like this when I had a job working for other people. Working for myself brings lots of different challenges but I see now that working for others just made me constantly worry and brought out an a rebellious questioner side to me. I would just avoid things until they inevitably became a problem. So that and a shedload of therapy helped ....
I most certainly do. I feel like every aspect of modern life on this planet has a more terrifying quality to it than ever before, aided and abetted by the hopelessness I feel about ever being able to change it - it's quite difficult to calm this ever-present background anxiety, which merrily thrums along throughout the day (and night). I'm definitely more on edge on a day-to-day basis during awful world events, and this trickles down into my body/brain's responses to events at the local level (I'm sure I'm not really as furious as I appear to be about eg flytipped mattresses at the end of the street). One thing I've found to be helpful is engaging in stupid mindless/mindful hobbies such as knitting, which I took up during lockdown - it really did calm my busy mind and I was able to make a hat for the baby. Obviously the "flow state" achieved during creative pursuits such as writing and music is a pretty stunning skill for quieting the storm. But taking a step back from social media has been the hugest help of all, significantly reducing the hopelessness I feel - the world news is terrible enough without having it remixed and repurposed into interminable Stories and takes by some geezer I had met once at a gig decades ago. How To Break Up With Your Phone, by Catherine Price was hugely beneficial in this regard, perhaps you know it already.
I've been thinking about this thread and I started wondering - is it worse as there is no sense of a safety net anymore? Growing up, whether misguided or not, I had the sense that it if I lost my job the State would have my back to some degree. Now it feels like one false move and you're out on the street.
I remember your grandfather saying he woke up each morning with a feeling of doom when he was a headmaster. As I did when a manager. Based on what kind of shit will they throw at me today and will it be my fault. Better now.
Yes, lifelong sense of dread and constant general feelings of guilt, definitely down to being raised in a Calvinistic society by a perfectionist, anxious, critical mother (she's visiting for Christmas now too, help!). I am going to try and quit the socials (again), take up exercise (again), and try to work on my inner voice. I think being gentle on yourself could help...who knows. If that doesn't help, at least I should feel physically better!
I do live with this, ever since I can remember. The hardest thing for me is getting out of bed in the morning. I am filled with fear. Even though I know it will usually get better after food and coffee I still spend a lot of time trying to figure out in my head how this person who is in bed can possibly go to being a person in the world among other people. Finally I have to pee badly enough that I do get up.
One of the best ways I can manage this is to say: "I'm going out to make some mistakes today. That's why we are all here. To make mistakes." That is so relieving to me. Or: "Failure is am option." That's a good one for me.
I envy your positivity. I tend to think that I'm really shit AND everyone I love is going to die horribly!
I jest (a little). I think this is us putting far too much pressure on ourselves and never feeling like we are enough.
Giving up booze has helped me with this, I found it (or rather, my behaviour when inebriated) affirmed my feelings of deep inner shitness and now they are a bit less.
Yes, I had exactly this for 39 years. Turned out to be undiagnosed ADHD.
Yes, I find it very hard to shake the dread these days, and strangely, recently I am also no longer sure if I have always felt like this or if it's more recent. Is it a post-pandemic/delayed grief thing, is it since I stopped drinking, is it because being a writer as social media dawned left me with this lingering fear of terrible exposure... or was it just always there? But yes, I have to remind myself constantly that nothing is, touch wood, for now, actually wrong, and stop myself turning even relaxing things into a source of tension. I am erring on the side of "I guess this is just what owning an adult brain is like", but I'm not convinced.
I constantly have to tell myself “you are not in trouble”….in my head I’m a perfectionist but in reality slightly too lazy to pull it off.
Citalopram has helped but the side effects are….tough. Meditation and breath work help too but as above, am too lazy to do consistently.
Have you not watched the Barbie Movie?
Are there people who don’t? I’d worry about them. It’s part of being human and our drive to be better, isn’t it?
I do, I have always had a feeling that I'm going to 'do something wrong' and I often used to use the phrase "but is that allowed?" sort of jokingly, for the most trivial things - like I needed permission from ?god knows who? to buy a bar of chocolate, or whatever. I've stopped saying it because I came to understand that it was making my dread/fear/doubt worse, or at the very least this 'joke' wasn't helping.
I expect the foundations of this are in my childhood, I was a very shy, quiet child, I dreaded birthday parties but would be forced to go anyway to be polite (i.e. not do the wrong thing). The same for the annual kids Christmas party at the factory my Grandma worked in, which was absolute hell for me! Maybe that's why I kind of dread Christmas to this day and have boundaries in place around any kind of get together. I hope we would recognise an introvert now and not force any child into attending things that they find frightening.
I've found that CBT worked; I found a therapist on Better Help and I said to her at the start that I'd tried CBT before and it had been AWFUL (I left after 2 sessions), she took this on board and my experience this time was very different - she helped me observe my thoughts and watch my feelings via various exercises and this has helped enormously. I also find yoga helps, I notice - am noticing right now - that if I don't do any for a while the dread gets worse. So I'd better get the mat out.
To me knowing that I have limitations is very liberating. It frees me up from dread. I can only do small things and possibly do them all badly. And that is ok. Dread gone.
Yes and better than smoking. Tried to knit and crochet, but sadly I am rubbish at it.