Thank God, it's the Rightmove Roundup

It's Sunday morning and God knows we need some property p*rn. So get in losers, we’re cruising into a 70s hall of mirrors in Beverly Hills, a novelist's boho Norfolk and a demented Windsor palace.

ONE: 3 bed house, 1470 Laurel Way, Beverly Hills, California, $10m

My friend George sent me this one, thinking I’d like the house, not realising she might in fact alter the destiny of my whole career. It is only while looking at it, in all its 1970s Beverly Hills glory, that I realise my future lies in directing soft porn.

Let’s imagine the scene: a plumber turns up to fix the dishwasher, you say to him well actually I’ve got a swimming pool out back that’s a bit leaky too, won’t you come and take a look?

And he says, sure, anything to get away from your dayglo kitchen with its psychedelic wallpaper that’s giving me flashbacks to the acid I took in plumbing college.

And you say ah but see the problem is, my back door is also out of action, so we’ll have to head to the pool via my dirty purple chamber.

And he says, I’ve never come this way before.

And you say, follow me through the room with carpet on the walls, walls on the carpet and strip lights inside the ceiling, rumoured to have inspired some underground chambers at Guantanamo as well as that Jamiroquai video for Virtual Insanity.

And you then also add, because you love a bit of trivia while leading a man to lose all his clothes in your swimming pool, did you know that that Jamiroquai video was directed by none other than Jonathan Glazer, who made The Zone of Interest and used his Oscar-winning speech to speak up for Palestinians, so it’s kind of funny that he once made such light pop videos isn’t it?

And the plumber says light, what part of that panic attack of a hit 1990s pop video did you find to be light? Didn’t you ever notice that it ends with Jay Kay standing by drops of blood that are growing, leaking into large pools of blood on the floor, while a raven flies out from behind the sofa and flees! All of human dread is there!

And you go what? Leaking onto the floor just like my dishwasher?

And then you try to change the mood by showing him your red hall of mirrors bathroom, but it now just reminds everyone of blood and all the horrors of the world and - I need work on this script a bit more. Oh well, look at the view.

---

TWO: Two-bed flat on Regents Park Rd, Primrose Hill, £1m

If you know Primrose Hill, you’ll surely recognise this pink Regency house that sits on Regents Park Road, overlooking the Regents Canal, moments away from Regents Park, how many more times can I type Regent well let’s see.

Perhaps the ur example of the late 19th century terraces that cluster like boastful ice creams around the foot of the hill, this one’s right on the bridge near the church. Dodie Smith got her location inspiration for 101 Dalmatians from a similar one that sold in 2020.

So imagine my surprise when an email wafted in saying this was on the market for only a million quid. Even when I realised it was a two bedroom flat within the pink palace, my eyes were still on stalks. An ex-council flat round here could cost most of that. (I happen to live down the road nowadays, a strange miracle you can read more about here.)

Alright, so this flat is only 638 sq ft, which is not large, but both bedrooms are genuine doubles and it comes with the balcony over the canal, a share of the freehold AND access to a communal garden. So let’s all pretend we’ve got the budget and run like our little pink regency lives depend on it.

---

Or if you’d like to spend half the price for twice the square footage, three different gardens all of your own and a view of the actual sea, you might want to try this other Regency terrace right here:

THREE: 4-bedroom house, St Mary’s Terrace, Hastings, £560k

This yellow-windowed lovely is in Hastings, up on the West Hill, with a view over the whole town and beyond.

But you haven’t even seen the garden yet - there’s a front one, a patio at the back and then a whole stretch of green going up the hill too. It’s so, so nice. Remind me again why we kill ourselves to live in London?

---

FOUR: The novelist Raffaella Barker’s five bed house, Cley-next-the-Sea, Norfolk, £1,975m:

And so we move around the English coastline, from Sussex to East Anglia, out to the flatlands, the silted-up marshes of Cley-next-the-Sea. An Anglo-Saxon village with a famous windmill that used to belong to James Blunt’s family, fact fans.

The novelist owner of this house, who is apparently selling it to be nearer grandchildren, describes the area in her Inigo interview:

Raffaella has written before that the county “sends a shiver through my soul”. I ask her what she means. “Norfolk does not have, in many ways, the most interesting landscape in the British Isles. But because of the light, which rushes from nothing to everything in a matter of seconds, because of the emptiness and the enormous skies here, I feel a positive sense of awe when I’m in it.” There is shapeshifting magic in its mercuriality, she explains, in a way “that reminds you of the many facets of a human character”. More than anything, “there’s plenty of space to imagine and think without being distracted by people in the way.”

What I want to know is, how hard did the Inigo photographers labour to get those two people walking bleakly yet beautifully through this shot? Is it the owners, and was it staged:

And then I just want to weep because it will never be mine and I will never write nine novels and be the daughter of celebrated English poet George Barker and oh well, Bohemian dreams bring nothing but pain, it’s back to the soft porn life for me.

Which I think could also be conducted in house number five, actually.

Because: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

FIVE: A MAD HOUSE. AN ABSOLUTE MAD HOUSE. Near Windsor, £2.75m

Ok I just looked on the map to work out exactly where this place is, and the first thing I spotted just down the Google Maps road was Windsor Farm Shop, the place where that lookalike couple were skipping down the path looking like Kate and William but not being them at all, because the poor woman is in fact seriously ill and - dear Lord what a strange time it has been.

So, this seven-bedroom house is located very near Frogmore Cottage, Windsor Castle and Heathrow Airport. (All of which make me think it could be an excellent base for when we call Prince Harry back to be King. Everyone else is too ill or caring for the ill - surely he’s going to get roped back in as our Regent? Oh look I’ve actually used the word Regent correctly! That is what it truly means! A new monarch while the last one is unwell but still alive! But I digress.)

LOOK THERE’S EVEN A KNIGHT OF THE REALM JUST WAITING AT THE BAR

And two matching thrones that face right into each other. Meghan’s going to love it.

It IS quite Montecito actually.

Look here’s another Knight guarding the living room from taste:

Some nymphs and cherubim in the bedroom:

And a whole ruined fort outside. That seems, if you ask me, to be inspired by Las Pozas, the surrealist garden in the Mexican jungle. Mexico being right next to California, meaning, the new residents will feel right at home. So I think I’ve solved all of our royal problems here.

LINKS

Freddie Mercury’s country house in the middle of London goes on sale. He left Garden Lodge, Kensington to his best friend Mary, who says “This house has been the most glorious memory box.”

This is actually quite conceptually interesting and made me um and ah and stare a bit: country house style in a newbuild flat.

The real life Saltburns - the April issue of Tatler (available in March) is full of ‘em, apparently.

Cara Delevigne’s LA mansion has burned down - and I mean properly burned down. (I don’t think it’s the same house as in this incredible video though.)

The luxury Californian mansions about to fall off the cliffs.

If you followed the drama of Amin Taha’s ambitious stone headquarters in Clerkenwell and how he won his appeal against a demolition order - well he’s now selling it. Here’s his own video tour.

A Jacobean gatehouse in the Cotswolds with the friendliest turquoise library.

A New York couple restoring waterfront shacks for low income renters.

Oh my heart! This house in LA that a couple built themselves…

AND AS FOR ME I AM TEACHING A WRITING RETREAT IN ITALY!

Come to Villa Pia with me, Rhik Samadder and Adam Shakinovsky at the end of summer and unlock all your buried stories. All drinks and food (unlimited) are included in the price, which is madness I tell you, madness!