It's the Rightmove Roundup of country cottages under £500k

so you can at least pretend you're on holiday: we've got your dream country homes in Somerset, Devon and Cornwall for under half a million squiddles

It’s the summer holidays and everyone wants to move to the country cottage they say on someone else’s Instagram, so I’ve compiled a list of absolute blinders for you - except they’re all delightfully dilapidated and very cheap, at under half a million. (Alright so let’s pretend that’s cheap, we’re fantasising here.)

Look at this one! What the hell! I’m told it might have been something like a church hall? THE VIEW!

ONE: 5 bed link detached house, Lynton, North Devon, £395k

Someone I very much admire looked at this house listing and said “Oh no, it’s north-east facing, wouldn’t get the morning sun so I’m not interested,” and my mind has been boggling ever since. Partly because I’m not very good at science so I keep thinking SURELY a house in such an unimpeded position with a wraparound balcony would get, like, all of the sun regardless - and I suppose I do understand that the photos were taken at a certain time of day on a certain day but - no, there simply cannot be anything sunless, ever, about this view. I refuse to believe it. Buy this house and die of sun, just like the prophecy intended.

(And alright I might be stretching the word ‘cottage’ here but go with it, pls.)

THIS IS THE VIEW FROM IT! NOT OF IT, FROM IT!

The rest of the building could be said to “need work,” but what fun that work that would surely be. (Says me, a person who has never done any of the work.)

The property has 3 beds in the main, 2 beds in the annexe and there’s a “tiered rear garden” described as a “secluded paradise.”

Why are we even on the internet? Let’s all go there and start panelling up the holes in the ceilings now.

TWO: 3-bed thatched cottage semi near Launceston, Cornwall, £275k.

Ok here’s a real cottage alright. Firstly, let us admire the thatched roof, although I daresay the thatcher Tom Allan could make a better one, which is why I’ll be interviewing him in Totnes on Sept 24th about his new memoir, On the Roof.

(I mean WHY would you leave a London media / techno / party life to become a thatcher in Devon and how on earth would it work? Only the book can tell us! Tickets here! Quick plug over - now on to the house.)

Oh me oh my! It remains el wonkio el fantastico and has not been ruined by fules!

The point is not to have space in a kitchen, the point is for it to look like this:

Single beds are very cosy! Tall ceilings are for tall losers!

AND HAVE YOU SEEN THE GARDEN?

Alright there’s actually a double bedroom too, as well as a third one the size of a thimble that they haven’t photographed. The whole house is almost a thousand square feet, which isn’t tiny at al.

And here’s another view of that thatch:

So now comes the part where I try to work out what’s wrong with it cos it’s recently been reduced. Well a quick glance at Streetview reveals the house is right opposite a graveyard, but this is good news, and for three reasons.

One: It’s a stunning little graveyard

Two: Nobody’s about to build anything on a stunning little graveyard.

Three: The dead make stunning little neighbours.

I mean imagine being asked to give a safe spot for delivery drivers - you’d nominate Edmund Jeremiah Nobchop (died 1757) and his sister Florence Featherwop Bungleton née Nobchop (died 1768) in a heartbeat. They’re not going to steal your ASOS or eat your Deliveroo. Not likely to apprehend your wheely-bin in a passive agressive manner or put up a poster about Bill Gates’s secret 4G plans. Although I suppose they could always ghost you, but still, there really should be more of them around. The dead.

Having said all that, this house is near Launceston, a town I struggle to love since I spent a week there having a series of driving lessons with a man who should have been dead, if you ask me, but sadly lived to be completely horrible until I gave up in despair. (What IS it with driving instructors? Does anyone know a nice one, anywhere in the land? Have no car, will travel.)

THREE: 2 bed church/house, Upton Cheyney, nr Bristol, £500k

What was I saying about the dead not being built on? Here’s a splendid church for sale, bigger than you think, as it seems to incorporate church, church hall and house, but with the graveyard not included. Which is perfect, since they’ll surely still be living alongside you, minding their own ghostings.

“This former United Reformed Church comprises detached building ( Grade II) constructed with stone elevations with pitched tiled roof. There is a later built 2 storey extension to the rear. The site of about 0.3 acres part of which is a graveyard ( Which will not be included within the sale) and is elevated with far reaching views over attractive open countryside.”

It’s almost 2k sq ft altogether. And oh that brown wood! The stained glass window!

And I think the following photo must be the bedrooms, which are in the house part rather than the church. Mmmmm:

FOUR: 2 bed semi, Milborne Port, Dorset, £195k.

Milborne Port is not a port, I just want to make that clear. It’s a landlocked village in the middle of Dorset, near Sherborne and Yeovil and Cranborne Chase, the latter being a national park and not a 70s cocktail, so why Cranborne Chase summons images of Margo Leadbetter I cannot say.

The ‘Port’ in the place name means it was once an important market town, in fact it was the “most profitable in Somerset in 1086.” And on the market now - do you see what I did there! - is this 2 bed semi, freehold, for under £200k!

The inside’s quite boring and empty so let’\s just enjoy that garden, mmmm.

Mmmmmmmmm.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

FURTHER LINKS:

Maison Medoc: some esthétique types did up a house in St Yzans-de-Médoc, in Southwest France, on Instagram, and are now selling it.

Genius tip in the NYT for making a gallery wall: stick your art to the wall temporarily with command strips, take a photo of your wall, cut up the photo and move your pictures of the art around like a doll’s house until it looks right. Then hang it properly like in your little diagram.

Did you know that Charles Dickens spent the summer of 1861 living in Regents Park in a house that’s now for sale for £20m? I did not.

Vintage LA go on a tour of Pee Wee Herman’s house.

Backlash over plans for a Gails in Walthamstow!

My piece in the FT about living the Primrose Hill dream The commenters were very annoyed that there was no photo of my tabby cat, Mitzy. So here she is:

And here’s her shy daughter Gigi: